The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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