White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
