Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
