38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
