Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
