not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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