I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
