You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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