I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
this boner is exhausting
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
