I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
