I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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