I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Randomize
