singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
