I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
You made out with two different species that night
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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