hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
