Don't make out with my wife yet
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
My vagina just recognized that song.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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