So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Randomize
