i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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