oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
