I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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