There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
