the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
