I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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