we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
