I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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