My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I just googled if crying burns calories
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
