Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
