He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
