You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
