please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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