A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
