she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
