I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
