So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
