I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
