I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
