the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Randomize
