Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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