I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
