That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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