No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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