his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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