She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
