Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
