All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
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