its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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