She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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