You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
