They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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