I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
