the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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