I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
40s are totally the cure
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
