I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Sorry about my life...
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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